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Tuesday, May 5, 2009

WHY??

That's what I woke up thinking about this morning. Why did we lose our beautiful, young Molly girl? I suppose I'm working my way through the grieving process....although it's hard to access that when your heart is broken. At the same time the hurt is still so raw and at the surface I am also feeling angry. We took such good care of Moll. Check ups, top notch dog food, exercise (she was my best walking partner), groomed her on a daily basis checking her for ticks, lumps or anything out of the ordinary. I don't get it! Why did this happen? Why is Erik not going to have his best friend greet him at the door when he gets home from college? Why is she not cuddling up to me right now? Her coat so soft and silky against my skin. I want her back, I want her liquid brown eyes to stare at me again begging for a piece of cheese. I want to see that look of disapproval in her eyes when they rest of the goldens are playing too rough, in her opinion, and I should "fix" that before she has to!

I look at my other dogs and wonder when they will leave me. It's more than I can bear right now. I don't want Molly to be forgotten, I can't let her 4 short years on this earth just disappear. Life moves on I know that, but I don't want to forget what it felt like to hold her in my arms . I don't want to forget how she pestered me to put my sneakers on while getting ready for our walks. I don't want to forget how my neighbors commented on "what a beautiful dog she is" each day when we walked by their house. I don't want to forget what it was like to watch her trot across the backyard with her coat glistening in the sun....breathtaking.

The relief after her surgery when the pathology report came back from all the biopsies....no cancer.... was a high point. After all the diagnostics were finally done I thought we were on the right track treating her for inflammatory bowel disease, but she wasn't improving. So much vomiting, so much weight loss. We were going to try other meds, different food and I was going to take her back to the specialist. The internist was very concerned that she wasn't improving and was suspicious something else was going on... then the seizures started. Those violent, horrific seizures. I knew it was bad and I knew I was losing her. Four months to the day from my dad's passing I held our beloved Molly in my arms and watched her close her eyes for the last time... all the while telling her how much she was loved.

WHY??!